for breast cancer survivors|

(to all breast cancer survivors)


Choke down

a little scream for me

lyrics to tonight’s anthem

keep myself distracted

while I wait it out

swallow a little more vommit

as I keep telling myself

not to worry

it’s just a “scare”



am I really pulling it off

my best poker face

trying to stay calm


in my world of pretend

that I’m not worried

or a little afraid

does anyone notice

I may be acting a little

bit differently



I’m a little more serious

a little more distracted

and maybe more sensitive

while I whittle away

the time until my appointment


tomorrow morning

how many tests will be ordered

will I really be back by 11:30

like I told my daughter

she still thinks it’s routine

I have to wait until there’s something

to tell




did I really find a thickening

yes, I think I did

but was it a finger-like thickening

I was told to look for by nurse Wendy

4 1/2 years ago

I sure hope not

it seems to have appeared so suddenly



I’m not even sure

what is the new normal for me

dare I admit

I can’t always bear to check

my breasts any more

they feel so different now

and then there’s always that “scare” thing



it could be calcifications

it could be healing

it could be fluid

it could be a number of things

now if I can just get some rest

and distract myself some more

and continue to stay pretend calm

and hope it is only a scare



some of my friends

have already had voluntary mastectomies

to avoid this self torture

yet I can’t imagine self mutilation

where cancer might show up

it could show up anywhere

do you put yourself

in a Monty Python skit

and just keep lobbing off

body parts

until there is nothing left to lob off



am I brave for writing this

probably not

I am scared tonight writing this

when cancer did come back

for cancer survivors

it never was in the same place

is that reassuring

I’m not sure but

I keep that tucked away

in the back of my mind



I just want you to know

no matter how confident

you are that you will

never again have cancer invade your body

no matter how brave you are

there is always that little bit of doubt

in the back of your mind

and “scares” come with the territory



Yes I am a cancer survivor

I am a pink warrior

I wear my scars with pride

I have confidence that I will always be okay

that this is only a “scare”

still tonight I find myself choking down the screams

and throwing up a little in my mouth

It’s okay to be honest and admit this to you





tags: best| blogs| poems| poetry| breast cancer| fear| choke| screams| activism| awareness| Youtube| Cindi Silva| Cindy Silva| poet| fear| overcoming| thoughts| thinking|


About mindfulnesswalks

Publicist| Citizen Journalist| Host| Mindfulness Walks| Virtual Cafe|Poet| Writer| Artist
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