diagnostic| ultrasound|


The Wall

I listened to the white sound

of the ultrasound machine

as I lay on the table

in a very cold room

under a heated blanket

 

my left arm out

exposing my left breast

as the technician

kept rolling over my

breast

with what started out as hot gel

checking the thickening

as I now call it

you may call it hardness

or suspicious area

or mass

I think I’ve heard it

referred to as that

other times when I’ve

had “scares” like this

 

I kept watching the ultrasound

screen while the technician

was clicking in green and pink and

maybe blue dots

and I watched mesmerized

although I didn’t know what I

was really watching other

than that’s where the

thickening is

and it appeared as

a large shadowy area

and as I lay there I

didn’t allow myself to think

much of anything I was really quite numb

and yet very alert in a sense of awareness

that this was my breast I was looking at

below the surface

like a Jacques Cousteau under sea documentary

that I used to watch as a kid

 

and just like when I watched what

was way below the surface of the ocean

I was fascinated that this was what was

way below the surface of my skin

although not nearly the same depth as the

ocean yet still as amazing

When she stepped out to get the doctor

I lay there drinking in my sight

of the righthand side of the room

you see I was propped towards the

right side

a bolster behind my leftside ensuring

I would stay in position

I saw the table with the ultrasound

a computer screen

the wall – eggshell white

and intersecting the wall

another wall with a light brown

cabinet

with four doors

and handles probably from ikea

and the ceiling – white with what resembled

tiles I watched a pattern of 2 large 2 – 1/4 the size

and followed it for a row of two

 

the doctor was much older than me

he stepped in the room to shake my hand

only he didn’t because my right hand

was under the blanket

he patted my leg instead

he told me I would need to have an

ultrasound biopsy scheduled asap

 

I asked him if he thought it could be

scar tissue

he said, “No. It’s a mass.”

that was pretty much it and he was gone

I remember thinking he doesn’t have

much of a bedside manner

 

after the doctor left the room

the ultrasound technician told me

it could be scar tissue

 

when I pulled the markers off the

many areas of both breasts

but especially the left breast

outlining all my battle scars

since I am a pink warrior

I started to feel strange in a way

your mind has a difficult time

processing unusual occurences

or incidents sometimes

 

I do remember thinking

I’m definitely going to have to

tell my kids about the biopsy

and when I got home

my teenage daughter

asked how things went

no, make that

 

are you okay, Mommy?

to which I answered

there is an area they are going

to check

she hugged me really tight

and said, “that’s scary.”

I told her they have done

this before

and it was nothing before

 

we embraced for awhile longer

and as we did I felt

the love flow between us

the electricity of our bodies

without words

a bond so strong and so vivid

 

and after I thought I still have

to tell her 11 year old brother

I’m not looking forward to doing

this again

and one more thing

I sure hope everything is okay

 

 

tags: best| breast cancer| poems| poetry| activism| survivor poems| Youtube| Cindi Silva| Cindy Silva| poet| hope| what is an ultrasound| American Cancer Society| thoughts|

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About mindfulnesswalks

Publicist| Citizen Journalist| Host| Mindfulness Walks| Virtual Cafe|Poet| Writer| Artist
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