Reflections in a mirror|


Reflections in a mirror| a Poem|

I remember the days of needing

To be someone you wanted me to be

I never really took the time to get to know me

What I really wanted

What I was capable of

When I look in the mirror|

Who did I see?
I saw a stranger looking back at me

I remember you had me walking on egg shells

I tiptoed in bright red stiletto shoes I wore for you

With my toes flexed downward, pointed out

Accentuating my calves

As I walked on a tight rope

Very carefully

Trying to be perfect

To meet some impossible standards

You set for me

Not to fall off the tight rope

And when I didn’t meet them
I felt a nagging at the pit of my stomach

Sometimes I lost sleep over it

I saw below me a pit of cage free

Antibiotic free brown speckled quail, duck and goose eggs

Knowing if I fell I’d lose grace

And end up with, dare I say it?

Egg on my face – I shouldn’t have, I know —

Let’s just leave it as

I tiptoed so carefully

Not to fall so

I wouldn’t land in the egg heap

And crack any of those eggs

All the while

I made jokes

Wearing

False bravado

How many acts did I perform

In this circus I created?

Magician, creating illusions of what I

Thought I was supposed to be

A master joke teller, keep ‘em laughing

Showing what a Brave woman I was

Tight rope walker

An acrobat too

Often swinging and getting tangled up

Or missing the ropes

Falling hard and beating myself up

Lion tamer —  sometimes

Ring master

Why not?

Always masking what I was really feeling deep inside

Yet I was smiling

And I thought I was happy

Until I looked in the mirror

Whose eyes did I see really looking back at me?

There is a fine line between

Knowing what we want

And doing what we think we are supposed to do

There is a fine line between knowing

And admitting we really don’t know

Why does it take so long

To feel comfortable admitting we don’t really know

What we really don’t know?

When I looked in the mirror| at the end of the day

I would laugh at the eyes looking back at me

For years I would fake out those eyes

Staring back at me

And yet I didn’t even know it

Does this sound like I’m mad

Some of you may already know what I mean

Some of you may just smile and nod

Maybe I should look back in the mirror

And check my reflection again

I can’t even tell you exactly when it happened

I know you didn’t ask

You probably don’t even care

It’s really just for me

I suppose it was very gradual

It may be I finally came into my own

And then again it may have had something to do

With when I had breast cancer|

All fear, all certainty, all stops were pulled

I realized then

When I looked in the mirror

I finally could see my own amazing eyes looking back at me

The reflections of a younger me softened

The reflections of what I thought was supposed to be me dissolved

The reflections of the impostor me dissipated

The illusion my ego created for myself

Now gone

When I look in the Mirror

I finally see my own eyes looking back at me

It takes a long journey to finally arrive

Home

11/18/11

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